Interminable War
by Random Guise
Summary: The characters on the show M*A*S*H are sitting and discussing how war can play tricks on your mind at the 4077. A one-shot that takes place late in the series. I don't own these characters, but I have eaten an old MRE.


Interminable War

After a particularly grueling day in the surgery resulting from an ill-fated army offensive, many of the members of the 4077 were taking a breather in the mess tent to unwind before going to their tents for an attempt at sleep.

"This war is playing hell on my sense of time" said Colonel Potter. "It seems like I was just in here not long ago, but I know that we've been in surgery for at least fourteen hours."

"That's because you went from here to the operating room and back here again. Look, your food is still waiting where you left it" said Hawkeye.

"It didn't even have the good sense to try and escape" said B.J.

"It would just get caught again" said Potter. "I recognize it as something I tried to eat in World War II. I think I called it 'Fred'."

"It's nice to see the culinary standards haven't changed between wars" said Major Winchester. "Always nice to have a regime to count on."

"Don't you mean regimen Major?" asked Klinger.

"No Klinger I don't."

"You know Colonel, I agree with you. I've been here so long I'm seeing and imagining things" said Father Mulcahy. "There was a General Steele that came through here a few years ago that could have been your twin."

"Poor sap" Potter said, shaking his head.

"You shouldn't talk about Father Mulcahy like that!" said Margaret.

"I was referring to Steele" said Potter. "That was before my time. And it hasn't been years; the war hasn't been going that long. But it sure seems like it."

"I'll say" said Margaret. "Single. Frank. Married. Divorced. Are you sure it hasn't been longer? I mean, I would swear we've gone through a least a half dozen Christmas times since I've been here."

"I know. I miss my sister every year at that time" said Hawkeye.

"You don't have a sister" said Potter. "You told me you were an only child."

"I've been here longer than I thought. Not only am I losing track of the time, I'm losing family too. I thought I had a sister, but now that I think about it you're right."

"Same here" said BJ. "I keep thinking Erin's walking and talking, but she was just born a few months ago. Time flies when you're up to your arms in someone's gut."

"And why is it we've had so many nurses named Able and Baker?" asked Klinger. "It's almost like the army is running them through on a conveyor belt."

"It's this damn war" said Hawkeye. "Just look at our hair! Mine has gone gray, Margaret's is all white now, and Charles…well, you didn't have much to begin with."

"Thank you for pointing that out Pierce. I'm more concerned in keeping the gray matter on the inside of my head, thank you" Winchester said drolly.

"All joking aside, Colonel Potter isn't the only person I've seen doubles of" continued Mulcahy. "There have been a lot of Korean nationals since I've been here that look the same. Hawkeye, do you remember that day you were OD and we had all the Kim Lucs come through?"

"Sure, it was my Luc-ky day."

"I've seen that same man come through as Cho Man Chin, Sang Nu and Ham Kim" Mulcahy said, thinking.

"Probably just a con artist. We have those back home too, but we only bring the ones over that are in uniform" said B.J.

"But there was another man when you were OD by the name of Sang Yu who looks identical to a Dr. Pak, Wu, and a farmer named Lee Tsung Chu."

"It's a wonder everybody doesn't look the same with as many people as have come through here" said Potter. "Too many damn people if you ask me. Sorry, Father."

"No offense taken, Colonel. I often wonder if the damned might find themselves in army fatigues when they get to Hell." They laughed tiredly.

"Then I guess we should consider this a warning" said Hawkeye as he stood up. He toasted the group. "If I had to be stuck in a war, hell or both I'm glad it's with you folks. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed and dream of home back in Vermont."

"You mean Maine" said B.J.

"Ah yes, Maine. There I go again; when I got here I was from Vermont." He tossed back the last of his coffee, set down the cup and strode out of the mess tent.

"Poor lad," said Potter "guess he's been here for too long a time."

"Any time is too long Colonel" said Mulcahy.

"Amen" they all agreed.

The End

* * *

 **A/N: I've seen M.A.S.H. so many times it's absurd. I really liked when they had episodes that were unusual (the 1** **st** **person patient viewpoint, the ticking clock, the haunting dreams, newsreel interviews) but even so it's impossible not to make a few errors of contradiction over so many years of a show that lasted several times longer than the war itself. I guess we can't have the characters calling out the goofs. Or can we...  
**

 **I know war is hell, but I don't know if I'll ever forgive them for killing off Henry Blake even if they were trying to make a statement that some never came back.**


End file.
